I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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