apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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