i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
