She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
