I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im six kinds of drunk right now
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
