4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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