worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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