never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
