Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Randomize
