He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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