Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
