yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
