i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
