I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
