need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
