Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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