he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
