I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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