i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
