I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
