Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
