If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
