I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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