There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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