It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
