a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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