Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
