I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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