his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
