I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
