I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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