i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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