I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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