my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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