I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
