Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
