I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
