I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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