Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
