I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
