if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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