Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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