I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
