Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
