The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
