when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
