dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
