If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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