That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
