Jerry, you need to find god
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
