Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
